Spending time looking over Evan's IEP has left me a bit bitter tonight. So much is needed for him, and yet, if we were VERY wealthy or willing to go into a lot of debt, we would be able to get him what he needs and deserves. As his mother, I have to sit back and take what I can get, knowing that there is SO much more out there that would greatly benefit him. The schools provide the bare minimum, and the insurance companies exclude kids with autism from everything. It is a very helpless feeling that I live with almost daily.
At times, like today, I do feel very discouraged and I wonder why God gave me this child. It certainly wasn't to fail, right? Yet, so often I have felt I have failed him. I can't "cure" him, as supposedly so many, like Jenny McCarthy have. I can't give him the therapies and equipment that I KNOW would help him. I can't give him all the attention he needs, because my other kids need my attention just as much. So, why did God give me Evan?
I do have to remind myself, often, that God would never set me up to fail. I am sure God's reason for giving me a child with a severe disability is not the same for someone else in a similar situation. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I think the world expects me to do or be as a mother with a child with autism, instead of looking to God more, and asking Him what He expects of me. It is plain and simple that I can not do what the world expects. So, I am still trying to figure out what God expects.
Deep down, I don't feel that God intended for me to "loose" myself in Evan's diagnosis and treatment. I don't believe He intended for my family's world to revolve around Evan's autism. I don't believe he meant for me to "cure" him. Beyond the diagnosis, the therapies, and IEPs there is just my sweet big browned-eyed little boy with the most precious untainted spirit. I know Evan was one of the noble ones.
For some reason, God trusted me to be Evan's mom, knowing that I would not be able to give him everything he needed. I have to learn to accept that. He can see the whole picture. He knows me and what I need in order to learn and progress. My faith in Him, needs to overcome my fear of the world.
2 comments:
You are an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. And you give Evan the most important thing of all, your unconditional love.
Anna, dear Anna. You are such a great Mom to Evan and a wonderful amazing woman. I think you are right, Evan is one of the noble ones. He's sweet and pure and I also think very wise. You are a great example to me. I've seen you study autism and it's treatments, spend countless hours making calls, getting him in the right programs and doing your very best to help make his life better, all while keeping Marty, Vanessa, and Ben's needs met, too. Thank you for your incredible example.
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