A Second Chance

It's amazing the things we take for granted. I guess it's just human nature to sometimes not realize what you have, until it's gone. After Vanessa was born, I still had another year of school to finish. I was VERY stressed. And I will be honest, I don't always handle stress that well. Then, when Vanessa was six months old, I found out I was pregnant again. Um..., not exactly planned. So, then I was really, really stressed. Before I knew it, I had graduated, Evan was born, and Vanessa's first year of life had already passed me by. I took her first several years for granted..., and then they were gone. When I thought I had a second chance with Evan, well, things were just a tad different. :)

But now, years later, with another baby in the picture, it almost feels like I am truly experiencing what it is like to have a baby for the first time. And I am certainly experiencing what it is like to have two children play together for the first time, even if they are six years apart. I have watched Ben like a hawk, since the day he was born, looking for any signs of autism. I have been on pins and needles,waiting, for each milestone to be reached. Every time Ben reaches for me, brings something to me, pretends to talk on the phone, points, waves, acts silly, dances, interacts with Vanessa or another child; I just can't help but feel like I am experiencing something miraculous.

I am not writing this to say that my experiences with Evan have been less remarkable then my experiences with my other two children. My experiences with him are incredibly special, but they are just different. This post is not meant to necessarily be about Evan. I merely just want to express how incredibly grateful I am for being allowed to have a second chance at genuinely experiencing a baby's first years. Second chances are not always easy to come by. Sometimes they just aren't even possible, so I am just trying to get the most out of this one in my life. All those sayings about how we need to cherish the little things..., I finally get it now.

discouraged, yet hopeful I will get it someday...

Spending time looking over Evan's IEP has left me a bit bitter tonight. So much is needed for him, and yet, if we were VERY wealthy or willing to go into a lot of debt, we would be able to get him what he needs and deserves. As his mother, I have to sit back and take what I can get, knowing that there is SO much more out there that would greatly benefit him. The schools provide the bare minimum, and the insurance companies exclude kids with autism from everything. It is a very helpless feeling that I live with almost daily.

At times, like today, I do feel very discouraged and I wonder why God gave me this child. It certainly wasn't to fail, right? Yet, so often I have felt I have failed him. I can't "cure" him, as supposedly so many, like Jenny McCarthy have. I can't give him the therapies and equipment that I KNOW would help him. I can't give him all the attention he needs, because my other kids need my attention just as much. So, why did God give me Evan?

I do have to remind myself, often, that God would never set me up to fail. I am sure God's reason for giving me a child with a severe disability is not the same for someone else in a similar situation. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I think the world expects me to do or be as a mother with a child with autism, instead of looking to God more, and asking Him what He expects of me. It is plain and simple that I can not do what the world expects. So, I am still trying to figure out what God expects.

Deep down, I don't feel that God intended for me to "loose" myself in Evan's diagnosis and treatment. I don't believe He intended for my family's world to revolve around Evan's autism. I don't believe he meant for me to "cure" him. Beyond the diagnosis, the therapies, and IEPs there is just my sweet big browned-eyed little boy with the most precious untainted spirit. I know Evan was one of the noble ones.

For some reason, God trusted me to be Evan's mom, knowing that I would not be able to give him everything he needed. I have to learn to accept that. He can see the whole picture. He knows me and what I need in order to learn and progress. My faith in Him, needs to overcome my fear of the world.

Just a test...

I finally figured out how to make my pictures bigger, so I just wanted to test it out.

I took this picture of Vanessa after she attended a "spa" birthday party. She got her nails and makeup done. She had such a blast!

Ok , so it looks like it is a little too big. I will have to just keep on trying.

Now that the holidays are over...

I love Christmas... but, I have to admit I am glad it is over! Our house has been so neglected since Thanksgiving... and now I am ready to start getting serious about decorating... oh, and cleaning, and organizing... One of my New Year's resolutions is to aspire to be somewhat of a "do-it-yourselfer" (I know that is not a word). I have lots of projects in mind for the upcoming year, and if any of them turn out, I might even share a picture of the end result on here.

However, before I completely move on from the holidays, I did want to share a few pictures from Christmas. We did have a nice first Christmas in our new home. We are still trying to create our own family traditions. One that we just started this year, (mostly because we are in Utah), is visiting temple square on Christmas Eve. It was VERY cold, but it was a special experience (at least it was for me), and I look forward to continuing with this tradition in the future.

I love this picture of Vanessa looking up at the temple!